my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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