by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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