It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
