Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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