All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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