Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
