yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
