He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
