So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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