Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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