When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
