There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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