also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
