Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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