If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
