I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
