not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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