1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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