Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
