Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
