WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
