just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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