hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
