It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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