we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
