i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
