I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
