he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
