Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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