Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
