new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
