someone owes me an orgasm
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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