All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
