im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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