Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
