I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
