I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
