I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
