So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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