Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
