Can i not drive my cunt home
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
