so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
