I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
