tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
