Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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