I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
