I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
