I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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