what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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