You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
