Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
