I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
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