Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
